My Heart Is Broken

I dreaded going to bed last night. I knew that my life would be so different from now on. A normal Monday would consist of me getting up, calling the Hospital to check on Jo Jo, getting the boys ready for school, taking them to school, coming home and getting dressed, driving an hour and a half to see my sweet little angel, spending time with her, reading Wizard of Oz, cuddling and kissing, leaving around 2:30, picking up the kids from the bus, making dinner, putting my kids to bed, calling again to check on Jo Jo,going to bed and starting the same routine the very next day.

Today was different.

We woke up late because we forgot to turn on the alarm, We rushed the kids to get dressed and took them to school at 8:30. We came back home and started getting ready. Not to go to the hospital like usual, but to go to the funeral home. I was surprised to have peace in my heart. I knew that I wanted to be aware of everything today. To pick things that I know Jo Jo would like, to make sure that Jeremy and I were able to have things the way we wanted them. Jolianne was with me the whole time. I asked her last night to let me keep the beautiful memories but that it was too hard for me to have to keep replaying the events of Sunday Morning. I believe she granted me that peace I asked for. I believe that she gave me the courage to make it through the day. There are so many things to do. There are so many decisions to make. I never thought that this day would be happening. It is almost surreal.

We went to pick her dress today. Unfortunately that meant going to the baby sections of the stores, unfortunately that means that there are babies there too. I tried so hard to be strong but I just couldn't stick around. As soon as a mom and baby came near, I was out of there, fast. Jeremy said to me that I am going to be around babies and I can't always leave. I know that is true. I love children so much, it is just very hard right now to see a baby girl and know that my Jo Jo is gone. I have been told that the pain gets easier to handle. I know that someday I won't mind hearing a baby cry. I know that someday when I see a mother with her daughter I will smile and be happy that they are able to be with each other. It just seems unfathomable right now. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes my heart hearts so bad I get physically ill. We went to pick up Jeremy's truck today at the hospital and when we pulled into the hospital I got sick. I couldn't help it, my legs were shaking, it was hard for me to see or think or breathe. I wanted to be out of there so bad. I guess my strength comes and goes. I am not sure why that happens, maybe no one knows. I do feel Jo Jo around me. I know that she is watching over our family. Ronnie told me yesterday that we were lucky because we have our own special angel that watches over us every day. He also told me that Jolianne has a castle in heaven. He said that she uses that clouds as a blankey, and she likes to play patty-cake with Jesus. He is so innocent. He sees things that we can't see. Children are more open to seeing heavenly things than we are as adults. I will look forward to his updates on how Jo Jo is doing.

I want to thank everyone for all of the love and support we have received these last few months. It is amazing how much joy you give us with your hope and faith. There were many times that I leaned on you when I was broken, I am sure there will be many more of those days ahead. I couldn't ask for a better family or friends.

I also want to thank my Aunt Yolie for the call last night. It gave me so much peace. I was mad last night, I had a pretty bad break down, I said that I don't understand why God would take her from us, and that it wasn't fair. A few minutes later I got a call from Aunt Yolie and she told me not to be mad at God. It was as if Jolianne was speaking to me through her and she wanted me to know that she was happy now and that I shouldn't be mad. When I got off the phone with her I had my little conversation with Jo Jo and told her, I wasn't angry anymore. I just want her to be happy and not hurt anymore. I truly believe she is in an amazing place that none of us could ever imagine. One day I will see my sweet little Jo Jo again. What a glorious day that will be!!!

This will be my last post on this site.