I have a new blog at www.claytonjournals.blogspot.com it is a site that I will use to write about different thing we experience as a family moving forward.

My Heart Is Broken

I dreaded going to bed last night. I knew that my life would be so different from now on. A normal Monday would consist of me getting up, calling the Hospital to check on Jo Jo, getting the boys ready for school, taking them to school, coming home and getting dressed, driving an hour and a half to see my sweet little angel, spending time with her, reading Wizard of Oz, cuddling and kissing, leaving around 2:30, picking up the kids from the bus, making dinner, putting my kids to bed, calling again to check on Jo Jo,going to bed and starting the same routine the very next day.

Today was different.

We woke up late because we forgot to turn on the alarm, We rushed the kids to get dressed and took them to school at 8:30. We came back home and started getting ready. Not to go to the hospital like usual, but to go to the funeral home. I was surprised to have peace in my heart. I knew that I wanted to be aware of everything today. To pick things that I know Jo Jo would like, to make sure that Jeremy and I were able to have things the way we wanted them. Jolianne was with me the whole time. I asked her last night to let me keep the beautiful memories but that it was too hard for me to have to keep replaying the events of Sunday Morning. I believe she granted me that peace I asked for. I believe that she gave me the courage to make it through the day. There are so many things to do. There are so many decisions to make. I never thought that this day would be happening. It is almost surreal.

We went to pick her dress today. Unfortunately that meant going to the baby sections of the stores, unfortunately that means that there are babies there too. I tried so hard to be strong but I just couldn't stick around. As soon as a mom and baby came near, I was out of there, fast. Jeremy said to me that I am going to be around babies and I can't always leave. I know that is true. I love children so much, it is just very hard right now to see a baby girl and know that my Jo Jo is gone. I have been told that the pain gets easier to handle. I know that someday I won't mind hearing a baby cry. I know that someday when I see a mother with her daughter I will smile and be happy that they are able to be with each other. It just seems unfathomable right now. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes my heart hearts so bad I get physically ill. We went to pick up Jeremy's truck today at the hospital and when we pulled into the hospital I got sick. I couldn't help it, my legs were shaking, it was hard for me to see or think or breathe. I wanted to be out of there so bad. I guess my strength comes and goes. I am not sure why that happens, maybe no one knows. I do feel Jo Jo around me. I know that she is watching over our family. Ronnie told me yesterday that we were lucky because we have our own special angel that watches over us every day. He also told me that Jolianne has a castle in heaven. He said that she uses that clouds as a blankey, and she likes to play patty-cake with Jesus. He is so innocent. He sees things that we can't see. Children are more open to seeing heavenly things than we are as adults. I will look forward to his updates on how Jo Jo is doing.

I want to thank everyone for all of the love and support we have received these last few months. It is amazing how much joy you give us with your hope and faith. There were many times that I leaned on you when I was broken, I am sure there will be many more of those days ahead. I couldn't ask for a better family or friends.

I also want to thank my Aunt Yolie for the call last night. It gave me so much peace. I was mad last night, I had a pretty bad break down, I said that I don't understand why God would take her from us, and that it wasn't fair. A few minutes later I got a call from Aunt Yolie and she told me not to be mad at God. It was as if Jolianne was speaking to me through her and she wanted me to know that she was happy now and that I shouldn't be mad. When I got off the phone with her I had my little conversation with Jo Jo and told her, I wasn't angry anymore. I just want her to be happy and not hurt anymore. I truly believe she is in an amazing place that none of us could ever imagine. One day I will see my sweet little Jo Jo again. What a glorious day that will be!!!

This will be my last post on this site.

Our Precious Angel has Received her Wings

Jolianne Charlene Clayton was born on Sept. 29, 2009 and went home to be with Jesus on January 3, 2010. She was our little princess who was loved so much and will be missed greatly.

A golden heart stopped beating,

Hard working hands put to rest

God broke our heart to prove to us

He only takes the best....

On September 29, 2009 an angel named JoJo was born. On January 3, 2010 she went to her home in heaven. God chose his angel to be born to the best parents he could find for her. Jeremy & Crystal are the parents that he knew would give her all the love and affection that an angel deserves. With the help of both Jeremy & Crystal's families, they were able to take care of JoJo at the hospital as well as her big brothers Andy and Ronnie at home. Jeremy, Crystal, Andy and Ronnie - for the rest of your lives you will have your little angel JoJo watching over you. When you have that intuitive feeling that you should do this, or shouldn't do that, it'll be your angel JoJo. On your good days, and they will come, when the sun is shining and the birds are singing, she'll be there. On your rough days, think about her smile and her pretty blue eyes, and your day will brighten. Although she was here for far too short a time for us, it is a very rare thing to get a true glimpse of heaven here on earth. We would all do ourselves justice to learn to show our kids love and affection the way Jeremy and Crystal have. Jeremy, Crystal, Andy & Ronnie continue to cling to each other and never let go and always remember you have an angel named JoJo.
-Uncle John-

Jo Jo had a pretty good day today. Her cardiologist says that she should be able to go home within the next week. Today I took my CPR training class and our Social Services rep came to talk to me about Home Health. I really can't believe that we are getting so close to going home. It almost feels like a dream. Jolianne is receiving her feeds over an hour and 45 minutes. She only needs to get it down by 45 minutes and she can come home with us. We hope that she will be there by this weekend and we can spend the night with her with no monitors on. We have continued to practice giving her meds and preparing her feeds. It feels so good to be taking care of my little angel. It is so weird to be getting up every few hours to feed her and comfort her. She is 3 months old now and I am just now doing these things. I hope that tomorrow Jeremy and I will get training on how to place her NG tube. That is the last of our training and we will be cleared to take her home as soon as she gets her feeds where they need to be. Thank you so much to everyone for their continued prayers and support. We could not do this without you!!!

The Training Has Begun.

Pretty Princess

Yesterday afternoon they went ahead and pulled Jolianne's PICC line out. This morning they turned off Jo Jo's oxygen machine and she is doing very well without it. They said that we can remove the cannula today if she continues to do well. I have started learning how to give her medicine in her feeding tube. They let me do her meds this morning and I will get to do the other meds that she gets this afternoon. I am going to learn how to place a NG Tube on a practice doll this afternoon. Then I will do a few on Jo Jo so that I am familiar with the process when we go home. I am suppose to take a CPR class sometime this week also. We are hoping that they have one on Friday so that Jeremy does not have to miss work to come to the class. Jolianne continues to do better and better each day. I can hardly believe it. It seems like we have been here so long and to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel is miraculous!!! We will continue to pray that Jo Jo will not have any trouble and she can get her feeds down to where they need to be and then we will start our new adventure: "Life at home with Jo Jo".

Some pictures

Making Amazing Progress

I know it has been a while since I have written. We have been so busy lately. With the boys off for Christmas it has been a little bit of an adjustment to my routine with Jo Jo. We had a really great Christmas and the best present of all. On December 26 (Saturday) Jolianne was moved to the 8th floor. I was a little nervous as first because I heard that it was very different from the ICU. It is very different, I get to take care of Jo Jo and do regular Mommy stuff. Changing her diaper, rocking her when she is upset, getting her formula so that she can eat. I also get to get her dressed each day. I really like that part. I do have to call the nurse in to undo her PICC line because she has to clean it really well when we are done. I am giving her baths and changing her bedding too. They are working on taking her off of her cannula and just breath on her own without any extra help from the machine. They are also talking about getting rid of her PICC line because she is receiving all of her meds by mouth now. She is barley getting any pain meds and she is tolerating that just fine. She will probably have to go home with the feeding tube in because she has fed that way for 3 months. Once they change her feeds to bolus, we will start working with speech therapy again so that we can start practicing with a bottle. Once we get home she will continue to get speech therapy and physical therapy in our home so that she can get caught up on where she needs to be. They haven't really given us a go home time yet. They just say that it will depend on how quickly she can get to 1 hour on her bolus feeds. She has to be able to tolerate getting her food down in one hour. As usual we will just have to wait and see how she adjusts to everything. She has looked really great for the past few days!!!