Three simple statements, I used to put these into the same category. The key to success. Hoping that something will happen, wanting something to happen, knowing that something will happen. They are very different to me now. Let me explain...
I HOPE
I cried today. The kind of cry that leaves you trying to catch your breath. The kind of cry that you do when you are alone because, quite frankly, you don't want to me comforted. You want to get it all out. You need to get it all out. When scary things happen, tears find their way out, but not like this. This is the cry that you do when the numbness of the event wares off. When reality creeps in and takes a hold of your soul. The kind of cry that leaves you curled up in a ball on your bed praying that sleep will find you and take this pain away. I know that this will sound really horrible, but I couldn't wait to leave the hospital yesterday. I had to leave. I didn't want to leave Jolianne behind, I wanted to leave the fear behind. The uncertainty of what will happen next. It followed me home and haunted my dreams all night. I HOPE that Jolianne will never have to experience something like that again. I HOPE that the fear will get better. I HOPE that this is the last time I will feel so helpless. The reality is all of these things will happen again. I am not hopeless, I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do acknowledge that it is not in my hands. God has plans for each one of us. It does not always turn out the way we want, but we do have to realize that he is in control, whatever His will is, that's what will be.
I WANT
The other day I was looking through Ronnie's backpack and found the schedule of events at school for the month of December. I was so excited because I know he has been working on a Christmas play. I scrolled through the month and came to December 17th. Kindergarten Music Program. That's what I was looking for, but wait a minute. There is something else happening on December 17. I can't figure it out just yet so I ask my older son Andy, "When is your Christmas Concert?". Andy plays percussion in the 7th grade band and I know that he has been working hard on his Christmas Concert as well. He walks away from me and I say a little prayer, "Please don't let it be the same day, please don't let it be the same day." He hollers at me from the desk, "December 17.". Of course. That is a logical thing right. The school planned two music programs on the same night at different schools. There is no one in the world that might have a 7th grader and a Kindergartner in the same household. I look at the times, Ronnie is at 6:15 and Andy is at 7:00. No problem right! Of course there is a problem, that's the way my life works now. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE ANY PLANS. Both of my children are so excited about their events, both of my children would like me to be there for their entire program, both of my children deserve their parents to be there to support their hard work. We haven't even thrown Jolianne into the mix. What if she has another episode that requires Jeremy and I to be at the hospital on that evening. I WANT to be able to be there for each one of my children. I WANT to be supportive to things that they are interested in. I WANT them to know that they can count on me to be there in their time of need. But it doesn't work that way. I can want and want all day long but, at the end of the day, I am one person. I can't be three places at the same time. I HOPE that I can work it out to watch both Christmas programs and experience the beauty of music with both of my boys this year!!!
I KNOW
This will be a short section because there is not a whole lot that I know!! :) I KNOW that I love my family dearly and that they love me back. I KNOW that someday I will be able to breathe again. I KNOW that I have a whole new respect for life and how fragile it is. I KNOW that eventually everything will be OK. I don't know exactly when or how we will arrive at that point, but it will come.
I KNOW THAT GOD HOLDS MY HAND EVERY DAY. HE BRINGS ME PEACE AT NIGHT AND HOPE THE NEXT DAY. HE WILL NOT LEAVE ME, THIS I KNOW FOR SURE!!!!!
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5 comments:
Wow is all I can say as tears stream down my face from reading your post..... I WANT you to KNOW that someday I HOPE I can help ya'll in some way...... I am here for you and I pray very hard for ya'll everyday. I love you. Your posts always leave me speechless and when I begin to leave you a comment I cannot think of the words to say so just know that I am thinking of ya'll and praying for ya'll all the time!
Love,
Kim
We love you.
Mom and Dad
OH, those feelings...I do remember them...stay strong. I know the days and nights seem so long and so tiring, but you can do this. I hope you can work something out in regards to your boys christmas events. I continue to keep Jo Jo and you family in my prayers!
God Bless,
Brian, Sarah, and Caleb Hlebiczki
Oh, Crystal. I so wish that there was something that Kirk & I could do to help you and Jeremy out. If ever you think of something, please let us know. You are all in our prayers.
My mother, Frances, has consistently asked for prayers for your family at her Baptist church. My sister, Pam, has brought your family to the attention of her small prayer group for many weeks now. This week she added JoJo to the church bulletin so that all of the members of her Presbyterian church can pray for her as well.
We love you all,
Kirk & cousin "Aunt" Wendy
Crystal, you have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. All those hope, wants and knows are part of life and it is just so remarkable that in this time of stress for you that you can see and evaluate things so positively. I will continue to pray for you, Jeremy and all your precious children. I sure hope it works out well with the concerts.
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